I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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