I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
