Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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