The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
