my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
