How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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