He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
