I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
