I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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