My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
