I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
