My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
