So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
