forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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