wake up i wanna do it froggy style
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My breasts were aching with rage.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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