im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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