This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
