I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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