I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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