So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I made him laugh his dick is mine
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
