You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize