I smell stomach acid.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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