Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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