What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
