i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
