not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
