Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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