I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
