woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
