I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
