My cat gives me a boner
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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