So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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