woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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