So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
