that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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