What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
