a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
