If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
