Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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