We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize