Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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