She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
