maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
