Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
