Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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