apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize