Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
