Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
