the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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