i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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