I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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