I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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