I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
