i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
