I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I will be naked everywhere
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
