So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
