i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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